Gothchyld's Diary

winds; relished thoughts
revel like oasis
wounded memories metamorphose
new start


Saturday, Jul. 12, 2014 @ 3:27 a.m.

Over this week, I finally have a much-deserved mental break after two months of piling work after another.

I suppose I have mapped a lot of things. It's already decided that I will leave school so it is simply a matter of time.

As much as I want to not deal with the toxic of dysfunctional families and mixed world of special needs, I will probably be there. After all, who understands these individuals better than I do? And as usual, my goal is never to push you guys academically or socially (though both are important), but that you can be your real self.

This week, I was also led to a controversial decision to detach a bit from my close friend. We bonded because we both had experiences with dysfunctional families and he can relate to the drama. However, while I have completely healed from all that drama (according to counselor), he hasn't. Consequently, I realize that I can offer wonderful advice, but I don't detach a bit, I will be living his life and he will always look up to me and never have the chance to find his real self.

This doesn't mean I don't like you. I care about you a lot. But if I let go a bit, it is because you can truly learn from it.

Despite the roller coaster ride this year, I also found my real self. By that, I define that as who I am if we are discounting my job and seeing myself as an individual because society defines us by our jobs too much.

It's a miracle how a sheer thought of "hey, may as well prepare if I ever want to teach dance one day" in 2013 got me in the jazz funk.

Then the rest was history - 2 performances choreography, my body got a lot better after all that torturous warm ups and most of all, I found the bigger creative platform when it is beyond words.

I am still amazed at how much more I can teach with dance. With my modified routine for a kids talent show, I forgot how many times I told them that the following:

* Stage time: Your time on stage is the 1-3 mins that you can share your creation w/ audience

* Creativity: Even though I teach you routine, this performance is yours so you have to own it! Later on, I let them choreograph a bit too! (Obviously, everyone "owned" their poses)

* Stage entrance: You gotta show audience you will start your dance and you know your stuff, so give me that glam moment! (They eventually decided to all jump up to show that glam.)

* Stage presence: Since we danced to MJ ft JT's Love Never Felt So Good, we gotta get into character. They were pretty good.

* Team work: Unless you are doing solo, you guys are a team so you have to be in sync and take care of one another (Latter part was mostly peer teaching and reminding the leaders)

* Most of all, have fun! This is your chance to dance for fun, be excited. (Then they started to proactively ask for audiences and have 0 stage fright)

Honestly, it's a lot more fun instilling confidence and teamwork. :D

Pardon my rambles! 


14 years on

Monday, Jun. 23, 2014 @ 1:27 a.m.

I sat the chair, releasing my thoughts with the laptop after helping authorities, professionals and caretakers to deal with 4 dysfunctional family cases and a case of addiction this weekend.

My counselor told me that after 12 years of being in a dysfunctional unit, I have finally exited it. Today, I am seen as an insightful strategist by professionals.

Counselor told me I have the choice to go into counseling just as she did, or remain an artist.

I would probably ace Social Work and Counseling training because of my breadth of experience in dysfunctional families & workplaces, emotional abuse, special needs and understanding of creative souls. (Because creative souls are always targets of abuse). In fact, even w/o a counseling degree, I hear or help over 10 cases of special needs or dysfunctional families on a monthly basis.

But I choose to be an artist.

Because I cannot handle the toxic of all these abuse and dysfunction every day.
I feel too many emotions as an artist.

Because I don't always have enough patience to see that others are not as self aware of situation as I am and will feel bad about it.

Because after seeing how some creative souls become abusive or destructive to seek approval, or vent their unresolved hurt, I want to help them more.

Because special needs kids are usually creatives, so we work really well and I can tell parents what to expect.

Because my real self is an artist.

By real self, I mean who you are when I am not defining you by your job or talking about your family/friends.

However, expect to see me audit psychology classes to learn for fun.

My counselor told me that I should write a book about how I got out of two generations of abuse and dysfunction (I bet it will be total attack on Tiger Mum's parenting style!)and I believe it is the time...when I get my ideas organized.

To all the artist and creative mentors and friends, thank you for saving my life.  


:: Monk(ey)s, Eagles, Crabs, Wolf ::

Sunday, Apr. 06, 2014 @ 5:53 p.m.

F2802 Dragged Went to a small company dinner after office was blessed. Dining with them has taught me that monks are just as human as we are. Beyond expectations. No one can escape the taint.

Su0203 CCH's bday trip to Maney's home. SeaFood Brunch/Dinner, Lowtide/Seashells beach, Rice plantation, Monkeys, Eagle, Fireflies and Crab. Educational & Rejuvenating <3.

Sa0803 Plane news overtake everything the entire month ('til now). Not much International Woman day celebrations but glad I got the GG1's Bday Pic out.

Su2303 Thai Supper w/Lilian in U.Langat. 2nd meeting with Crab. Lost, Bloated and an Adventure. Fun except for the 'eruptions' upon arrival. Sad as well upon family/society revelations.

JNME MIA MCed for whole entire month. Met with Crab again for 3rd time @ home after work W2603.

SS29-3003 Visit Big Bad Wolf and got 2 boxes of books @ MIECC. Tiring but worth it (sans HLB CC's patrolling =.=).

No April Fool mood, but YWL lended me 'Tuesday with Morrie' (coincidence?). Inspiring and finished within one day.

- DD 



Saturday, Mar. 29, 2014 @ 7:19 a.m.

This year has been extremely bizarre. After my life crisis, I end up being a breakup hotline (too many people I know broke up too) and even have an occasional business partner to help out in case our clients are too clingy.

90% of the time it is venting. However, with several clients having relationships, that is a different story.

As non-judgmental as I am with prostitutes, entering a serious relationship with one is just toxic. While the prostitutes in our sample enter this industry because of desperate circumstances (lack of education/skills and really need money). While I'm unclear whether they date first as sex partners or something else, most clients wanted to in a "danna" position, where they could "buy off" the prostitute or get them to resign.

However, most of them are financially and/or emotionally not ready to do such act. Consequently, they are trapped in their emotional traps - to get prostitute out of situation, but afraid that there is something shady because of the prostitute's sensitive profession.

Another kind that we see is that while some really want a relationship, the prostitutes themselves may fall into the trap to stay in the profession because the money enables them to buy or afford their lifestyles. Not all of them are willing to earn one or two times less and this creates dilemma.

At the end, one or both parties get entangled in a toxic relationship bound by money, sex or more. While I don't think all serious relationships with prostitutes are like this, but this is a huge red flag. After all, you have your pride, dignity and morals right?