::: Fucked Up Delusion :::

06 April 2008 @ 10:08 p.m.

Current Mood: N/A

I sheltered in my bro's room this weekend, as I needed a private room to do some recording and music composition for my assignment. On my right there's a cupboard of thick books and piles of mine and his craps on my left. My pc in front of me, where I procrastinate and do my music composition; a bed (spacious even) behind me, where I nowadays can't handle staying long within a room without one around.

For once in a long while, within this solitary room (he won't be back this week), I felt relieved and released. I drift in between my pc and the bed without ever worrying within those 3 days and continue doing my thing without ever being self-conscious. It's time for my temporary recovery, however sad it is that it's only a pitiful 3 days when I need longer.

Now today, it's time for me to face this so called 'reality' and my mind starts routing back onto worrisome and furious thoughts. Then my eyes strayed onto the cupboard of thick books on my right. Books of Memories. The School Year Books.

I reached out and grabbed the yr '05 book. Ever since I left, I force myself to look forward and now with the book in my hands: I start reviving and reviewing the past. I was caught in a trance when I've spotted myself in my class photo.

How young, refreshing, energetic and joyful I looked back then. I had dreams, inspirations and passions that I had looked forward to then. I looked at my classmates and the other classes of the same year, they looked exactly how I felt back then.

Put back the book and grab the previous yr book, the prev before that and so on. '04, '03, '02... comparing between them all... the faces were all increasingly happier and untainted of 'reality' chains. Then eventually my hands strayed on the 2 yrs before those HK yrs and an hr later, accidentally saw my 3 yr old self when I was looking for something in the photo album cabinet (while I was getting ready to drive back into 'reality').

Now I'm thinking, I had taken my passions and dreams from those younger yrs and pursuing it further. But now 3 yrs of furthering it, has my passions diminished bit by bit. Shouldn't one who takes their dreams further stay passionate, possibly more than they had back then?

Would it have to be to the point of 'OBSESSION' when you first had that dream when you're young? To be able to stay passionate for yrs later of pursuing?

I had a discussion with 2 other old friends of mine sometime ago, who felt the same. Increasingly dispassionate, confusion and worries arises while at the middle of our long road.

Back then, those younger days seems 'real' to me. I had the energy drive for my passions, but now exposure to pressures and loads of dead-weights poisoned it. Now this 'reality' seem like a 'delusions' of chains and dead-weights to me.

When the down-to-earth younger me had passions, I acknowledge that 'reality' and was prepared to do whatever it takes to get through. But now, I've never imagined it to be THAT bad, compared to what I had imagined in my younger days.

There's a metaphor taken from my friend: "Art is like prostitution. You do it for passion, then you do for the people you love/care and finally you do it for money". Try substituting 'Art' with any words relating to your pursuing dreams and it works the same way.

In the conclusion of my thought's rants: Uni is the start of the poisoning of your passions, period. The now 'reality' are delusions and it's so fucked up that I can't see the 'true reality', where it'll be more of a balance between yin yang than yin.

+-+-

Now my thoughts are a bit more organized. Yea, eventually this site is dead, but that is the other reason why I gave my train of thought in here. Writing in own journal/diary book seem practical to such thoughts, but it never seem 'satisfying', which is why I never bother... plus it'll save me cash from buying books after books, just for my thoughts alone.

Hadn't written here for so long, but this entry is one helluva long one that's been retained and recorded in my mind since my disappearance 'til now.

I wonder after typing this down, will I get some clarification or/and epiphany..? My mind, feelings and luck (and even my dreams when I sleep/nap) been out of place as of late. Will I be back to being 'me' again..? Can I calm the beast prowling inside me when people annoys me... even for the slightest bit, where in fact there's nothing to be pissed about?

Even if this is a long entry, and I doubt anyone can catch my train of thoughts or bother reading this... I have no regrets typing it here. Maybe someday, after more tainted poison from this 'delusion', I'll read back on this entry and feel somewhat better as I sorta do when I read at my older entries now....

 

 

< PREVIOUS