Gothchyld's Diary

winds; relished thoughts
revel like oasis
wounded memories metamorphose
new start

Jerusalem 1000 - 1400 - Every People Under Heaven - A Personal Review

Saturday, Dec. 31, 2016 @ 12:18 a.m.

Growing up, my family would usually get away from home from Christmas and carrying on this tradition, I went to New York for a Christmas getaway. Perhaps, because I have enough travel points, or perhaps, to view the magnificent works of art that I didn't manage to view in my last visit 2 years ago.

As I look at the chalice and books from Metropolitan Museum's special exhibition 'Jerusalem 1000-1400 - Every People from Heaven', my heart rejoiced as if this is the collection that spoke to me.

Perhaps this is the Met Museum's attempt to remind us of peace to one another, especially in light of Trump's ignorant and offensive comments. But for a third culture child with an even more blended family , it was as if a reassurance from history that coexistence and peace are always possible.

The Torah, Bible and Qu'ran were printed with the same book binding methods and all three wouldn't spare the expenses to splash their devotional pages or important religious images with royal blue paints (I hear that it was the most expensive paint, and there was a rumour that it involve elephant blood?)

Or the cross overs with Bible in Arabic that one could easily mistaken as the Quran, or Christian influences in pilgrimage certificates from Muslim pilgrims detailing the maps in their Hajj. But to see biblical figures carved in Arabian style and the shared love of gold among Christian, Islamic and Jewish races - it is as if history telling me amidst of our diversity, we can always learn and coexist while retaining our identities.

As I met with Muslim fiance after my trip, he smiled and noted at the similarities, saying that he will tell future children that we have the same God but in a different branch. And I thought, peace and love are possible after all in spite of differences.  


:: Gothchlyd Diaryland v5 ::

Wednesday, Oct. 05, 2016 @ 7:11 p.m.

New Layout, based on Midnight by yours truly, Gothchyld.

It's been ages, but quick highlight summarisation since my disappearance:
After a recent series of burn outs and dramas at Genius, I've gave my resignation letter end April and have been on sabbatical since June. In pursuit of repurpose, reconnection, recuperation and reeducation at the moment.

Now handing back the mic, it's all yours GG!




Friday, Jul. 08, 2016 @ 12:25 a.m.

It's been long. I can go on and on again about how it is always a love-hate relationship with me and words.

But overtime with the few pearls of wisdom that nurtured from the many coffee sips, or high tea talks that I had, I needed that. To be consumed in another topic, to take breaks from art or whatever you call it so our relationship is healthy.

This has been the year with specialists - therapists, doctors, physiotherapists, dentists.

My mind loves to think that panic attacks are over.

It did in ways that medicine curbed it and some vessels of my emotions are numbed.

But it also did unveil a basket of buried melancholy for me to deal with.

The built-in paths of over-worked mentality and all the mounting insecurities within that unleashed in mindfulness sessions

the anxiousness that creeps in once every while in heated summer dreams..

the strength to balance my plethora of emotions that is still to be worked on

And knee shifted its problems and I return to another form of art - somehow, it is to the path of twisting and turning on the barre pole as an aspiring ballerina, or to repeat the oh-so-familiar stretches in pilates (yes, it felt like home despite me doing it for the first time)

But of course, I got panicked and got more and more work and forgotten about art, until it unravels all its vulnerability and asks me for a hug, and so I go as its flute melodies enchant always.

After all, if life has made my entire body art, then there is a reason why we must meet.  



Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2016 @ 9:05 p.m.

My anxiety raids me again but looking back, it seems like the past few months have been stabilizing the anxiety for now to really tackle the underlying, traumatic emotions within.

I get overwhelmed and cannot plan sometimes. When projects pile on and on, I get scared. I would make to do lists but when projects are continuing to increase, it is difficult.

Then I tie in things and the horrors of anxiety explode. I could link a million unrelated fears together and the reflex would go. I am still tangled in my web of fears. My mind is broken and shattered.

Now I am a bit smarter to talk to myself by untangling the web but there is much to be done - to unveil and change ways of reaction, to finally self-care after years of people pleasing (that works as a survival tactic).

I remember that in Lent, I made a goal to relax. But now with quite a bunch of my loved ones and friends gone for Ramadan, this is another good month for self care.

One small step at a time.

You are here.

You are a human being who is wonderfully and fearfully made.

With lots and lots of love.  


family toxic

Friday, Feb. 05, 2016 @ 2:48 p.m.

While I am in recovery, there were vents from family members. Since I spent at least 2 years deciphering my family of origin to better understand our dynamics, the information is stored in my long term memory and so I could still digest and talk about it.

Before my panic attacks, I have spent years observing and analyzing the dynamics, sometimes with my counselor. Surprisingly, post-panic, I can still digest.

There is still a lot of anger. A lot of sadness. A lot of fear and a lot of guilt/shame among them.

Some of them are still angry and believe their lives can be grander if incidents x,y,z didn't happen, so they blame others. They stressed how my life would have been grander and often base their achievements on awards and materialistic possessions.

Others felt burdened and depressed because they were constantly blamed and criticized. Truly, there were changes and major improvements, and I feel we have real conversations. But to be criticized for being critical and past incidents are often too much.

And some have killed and numbed their real selves. While there is comfort in religious support groups and I believe in the same faith (but we are on opposites of the spectrum), I disagree with the teachings that we should numb/bless all our negative emotions into positive ones and try to convert wherever possible.

I just feel there is a huge disconnect with self love and unconditional love with them. While I am still learning how to love myself fully after panic attacks and anxiety diagnosis, I relish my real self as a blogger/writer/artist and can dive into this world freely. I never need any validation to be in the creative world, because creativity is infinite and always evolves.

Unconditional love is challenging though, I had my times where I think partner should love me unconditionally, later to realize he is human too. With God, it's not easy. I have had faith shifts with toxic from conservative religious communities that want everyone to agree, plug-in to everything and convert others. But I think God is big enough for faith shifts, and love triumph over everything. With atheists, I tend to change the phrasing into life will guide and lead you gently.

Hopefully one day, they will all break free from these chains... 


Panic Attack/Anxiety

Thursday, Jan. 28, 2016 @ 12:20 p.m.

Anxiety and panic are draining illnesses, and as the medication settles, I realize it is time to fix my mind.

The medication slows my nerves and so prevents a physical anxiety or panic attack, but it does not stop the mind from being anxious or feeling bad, and so as I like to say it, medication heals the panic 50%, and the other 50% is talk therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy with the doctor and psychologist.

Panic attacks and anxiety make me surrender and step back in a lot of things. In my first two weeks of medication, I cannot even do basic tasks. Then comes the nausea, the headaches, the loss of appetite. Overtime, it calms my headaches, but I am quite sure anxiety finds its way into my sleep and makes me believe that since the body is healed, it has to go back to its rapid and multi-tasking ways.

I will not tell you the pain of headaches when I have to think during interviews, or schedule a day, or analyze complex situations. Or how I wake up at midday after catching up a sleep and have to convince myself I did not waste half a day. Or the pain that I cannot read emotions so well as medications do numb. At times, I don't know how I will step out of this bubble.

But there is life.

But there is self-love that can be develop.

There is patience to be learned.

There is doctor's support.

And there is hope.

And one day, it will all make sense 


Anxiety Attack

Thursday, Jan. 07, 2016 @ 9:45 a.m.

I had panic attacks again so this is a good note to just go back to in case it happens (hopefully not).

Why did I leave HK:
Because school job is going nowhere and even if I stay, it is toxic with constant changes and mergers.

Because I will be persecuted for my views on various faiths. I have tried severing but can't shake the belief that there is God, but I know in HK churches, I will be corrected endlessly as I accept homosexuals and people of other faiths (no conversions) and won't plug into 20 things in a religious space. Dealing with one family member on a consistent basis will drive me nuts also.

Why CA can be frustrating:
Because it takes time to establish security and cash flow and at times I feel I am incapable.

Unexpected things that happened:
I didn't expect to have job 1 gone because I couldn't do afternoons on 2 days. But again, this is a scheduling issue and not ability issue. No doubt there is worry on money matters, but surprisingly, my panic attacks were less major after that.

What the heck I am gonna do:
plan life will get there.